I am still struggling with eating. Per Andrew, I have started a food journal, not counting calories or anything but just being more conscious about what I am eating. I have been true in writing everything down, and at first it was working amazing, down 4 lbs in a week. But, lately I just feel like I don't care. For all of the hard work I am putting in in the gym, its heartbreaking that I am not that committed at home. I think that once I get back to working things will be better. Have more of a schedule, all I do right now is be a couch potato and am super bored. I have no money to do anything, and more importantly no one to do things with.

Abby's wedding is this weekend, and I have been SUPER pumped for it..a boy I have been hanging out with, Mark, agreed to go with me. I have to admit, the idea of taking a date to a wedding for the first time in my life is quite a high. He promised over and over that he would go. I secretly was waiting for the ball to drop, and yesterday it did. He said that he is having problems getting off work. I knew immediately that this was what I was fearing. Things have been so cool with Mark lately, the last couple weeks he comes over and snuggles on the couch and watches TV..plays with the animals..its just awesome. Last week he was calling me "wifey" because my place is clean and the house is nice and I am just good at wifey things I guess. I have been feeling this week that things are off. Maybe he was just worried about telling me and pissing me off about the wedding thing..or maybe it is something more. He has had things for the past week that he hasn't been able to hang out. Maybe reading too much into things is a problem of mine, but I tend to have a hunch but ignore it because I don't want to admit things are not what I dream them to be. This may be the end of the Mark and me thing..ugh. But, honestly a teeny tiny part of me is hoping he comes through and makes the weekend work. I know I am setting myself up for disappointment. Its just been a long time since I have had such an awesome and instant connection to someone like I do with him. I guess if nothing else, I know more of what I am looking for. Right?

I need to not try so hard.

I saw a Shakespeare quote today that said "Expectation in the root of all heartbreak." How true is that! In my workout or in my love life, I need to remember that I guess.

I check my mail today, I got a Halloween card from Granny and Grandpa and it said "Hope on Thursday morning you are a happy pumpkin and not a sad one. Love you." Time to be happy today.

My training is going well, I love the workouts with Andrew..I am struggling with wanting to do the workouts with other people at the gym. But, I am getting over it!

We measured today..2 months into the process. I am down 0 pounds, but 11 inches. WTF! Andrew says that this shows we are in the right direction, gaining muscle! I am super disappointed with the pounds though.

I am to keep a food diary for Andrew to review next week..ugh! Good thing I just spent $200 at the grocery store yesterday on smart ones and the like.

I will keep posted on the food stuff..

I am feeling a lot more indifferent about Adam emailing me. I never want to have the kind of friendship we used to have, so that makes it easier to swallow his contacting me. Whatever. I am at a really really good spot in life right now, why let the memory of him cloud my happy vision.

 

On to other things.. today I had another awesome workout! I really look forward to seeing Andrew. I have decideded that even though I pay him, he is really my only friend here that I see, much less talk to on a regular basis. All the encouragement he gives me goes a long way! He is pointing out how good I am doing..how much I have improved over the weeks! It is really evidant on the assisted pull ups! I have to say I am proud of how I am doing with those..and everything! I talked to him about the food/eating issue. He understands and reminded me to write down what I eat. I am going to try a notepad, and not the app I had been using-although I loved it and lost 30 lbs last fall/winter/spring with it, it just doesn't interest me like it used to. I avoid taking the time to do it..so maybe a journal -handwritten will work for a while! He said when people track their food, they eat about 30% less. Its worth a new try!!

 

I am happy to report that Winston and Gwen are getting along fabulously! She adores him, and he tolerates her..so that works better than I thought it would! She cannot be declawed for like another 2 months, so I have blankets over the furniture and she is free to roam around. I have to say I am impressed at how well she is adjusting!

 



I have been doing really good about going to the gym more days than not! I am pretty proud about that! BUT...I have been eating like a pig! I am always hungry! I seem to have no self control either! Luckily its mostly just stuff I have in my cupboards/fridge/freezer..no fast food so thats a plus, right?

 

I really really need some motivation right now for eating well! I keep thinking I lost 30 lbs last time by JUST eating well. It's easy enough, but I just am like blah, whatever.

On another note, I got back from home this evening and checked my gmail..and low and behold I got an email from Adam. WTF? I have shown really really good self restraint and pretty much have had no contact with him since I left Buffalo in January/February. And, he, the one who doesn't have as strong feelings for me has text me at 2am and now emailed me because something reminded him of me. I can't say I am completely pissed. I am secretly smiling on the inside..no one is seeming to measure up to what I had with him. Ugh.. It sucks.

 

In happy news, I brought home a kitten today! Same coloring as Winston and she is moewing away..I know she misses her momma, but she is gonna love it here, I just know it.

 

Her name is Guinevere.

 

 

I have a thing for historical names. In classical literature Guinevere is King Arthur's queen, and her affair with Sir Lancelot brings about the fall of the kingdom. But I heard the name in an Eli Young Song and looked her up. I like. I will call her Gwen.

(here is the song)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORy4ZGwf_Pk

 

Well, I will keep you updated on the eating business and of course the workouts!



After having a handful of routine workouts to do each time I go to the gym to work a certain part of my body, it makes the time there waaay more efficient. I love going in the middle of the night and being the only person there. I don't feel embarrassed to do some of the workouts that I am sure I look silly doing. BUT, having to go before work is convienent on those nights. The only complaint is that there happens to be a meeting of the meatheads. Not really..but thats what it seems like!

On a normal night, I do a few minutes of a warmup on the eliptical or treadmill and then do a weight/workout circuit then finish up with treadmill or eliptical again.

Well...on the ngihts (which is most) that I have to go before work, a handfull of dudes are using the weight machines and

a) I am self concious

b) they kind of hoard the machines to themselves

c) most are the sterotypical douchbags

 

That really makes me wanna workout next to them. RIIIIIIGHT! So, I barely like using the weights and machines next to them. Much less doing lunges and planks. Yeah right. Not happening.

I feel bad that I let my thoughts of them limit my workout, but thats just who I am. Last night I went to the bathroom and did lunges. Ha. And I never did do the planks. oops.

I need to consider going in the morning when I get off work. I don't know why, but on days that I do not work out with Andrew, I don't want to be there when he is there. I don't want any crituque on days I am not paying him. Haha..I'm weird, I know. So he gets there at like 9:30 or something, so I could go in the morning right after work. But..the morning trainer is there working with people, but I guess it would be the retired crowd. I have to think about my options, I just need to get over my self conciousness and frickin do what I need to do.

Ugh. I wish I could get on evenings and then just go everynight after work. It was sooo nice this weekend picking up evening shift and going after.

 

I workout with Andrew tomorrow morning. Wish me luck. 

So I went out for a few beers with my brother in law, and still go 8.5 hours of sleep. I woke up this morning and headed to the gym. **Praying Andrew wouldn't make me do ball squats AHHHH. I walk in do my warm up, and he says, "We need to do legs today!" Finally I had to tell him about my miserable days..hell, not days but week after ball squats and I will not do that again. He was super supportive and we did some other things.

Exercises today:

Leg extensions

Leg curls

Lunges

Ab Coaster

BB dead lift

Planks

Calf Raise

I hate hate hate planks. Pretty much i rest my elbows on a bench and just plank kinda in a push up position. IT SUCKS. But, it just sucks for that 30 seconds! It doesn't last for a week thank God!

I didn't breakfast this morning before my workout, and Andrew called me out on it. I lied of course! I don't want to disappoint him!!!! I just said I was hungover. He bought it and was really kinda sweet, making me drink water, gave me an apple, kinda let me do quite a few sitting things. Haha!

The BB dead lift is another one I am not very fond of. I hold the bar (45lbs) with no weights on and squat and up. I kept feeling like I was going to get down and not get back up or fall over. Andrew reassured me I wouldn't fall, and I could get back up..I just needed to get out of my head. I find that if I focus on breathing correctly I stop thinking about how the workout sucks/hurts/dripping sweaty. That works with him there to count, but when I am at the gym alone, I cannot multi-task THAT well!

I have to fit in 6 workouts in before I see him next Thursday...I wanted to say I committed to 3 days a week, not this many. But, like I said, I don't want to disappoint him! (or myself I guess. I am paying a shit ton on money for this, so I better milk it for all it's worth!)

Wish me luck on doing this!

Ugh, I am tired just thinking about it!

So Wednesday was my next personal training session with Andrew. It went well, we did more arm stuff....thank God! I still don't walk normal! UGH! My session was cut a little short cuz the previous one went too long. Oh Bummer. I have been pretty tired lately anyway. But next week he promised to make it up to me. We did assisted pull ups, lateral pull downs, lawnmower row, and dumbell curls. I loved the assissted pull ups! I needed some extra help but it make me feel super accomplished. The lawnmower row was good, I can still feel it in my sides. I was having some trouble feeling motivated so I think I need to make a list for those sucky days!

1. The worst part is actually getting there. Then it's not so bad.

2. How good the burn feels when the workout is done.

3. Possibility of finding a new workout that I enjoy..hey it's happened before!

4. Remember what the scale said when I weighed myself for the first time in weeks? NOT GOOD!

5. I want nice arms.

6. How good it will be do see some douche bags from my past at Abby's wedding!

7. It will be waaaaay less embarrassing to do laser hair removal to bikini line after a few rolls are gone.

8. Andrew is super supportive and encouraging...and I won't complain about looking at him either.

9. Looking forward to walking in heels without my feet killing from the extra weight.

10. I can only imagine the s*x will get better!

11. I can brag on facebook!

12. The compliments I will recieve in the future.
13. My vain desire for an arm tattoo (sugarland style) about being stronger than you know.

I am sure I will think of more, and I will add them as I go.

As I mentioned in #4, I sepped in the scale, I wasn't prepared for what I saw! I know the past couple weekends have been full of beer and food...but I still wasn't prepared!

That is the motivation I needed, but still really depressing.

Something to make me happy though is this picture from this weekend:)

Ok...so motivation train back on track!

Say what?!

Ok so here's the deal...I got out of blogging and then I never had anything to say. I don't know if anyone will read this..but I don't care. I need to share my new journey to keep up motivation. But I am getting ahead of my self. So here is the lowdown in the last year and a half..I quit my job, cut off all contact with Adam, moved to Minnesota, got a job at a children's hospital, and bought a house! Wowza!

Now here is the other thing I joined anytime fitness and got a personal trainer! Holy freaking God! What was I thinking?! After one day with him I am regretting it! We chose to do legs the first day. BIG MISTAKE! We did ball against the wall and did squats, lunges, something something dead lift something, and the ab machine. I like the dead lift and the ab machine. After the ball exercise my legs felt like falling off. By the time I got home my legs were jello and I could barely walk. Going up the stairs was hard enough but coming down..umm I actually fell! I cannot explain how bad my theighs actually hurt! Two days later they burn constantly..and don't get me started on how they feel after sleep..even worse...all stiff and sore! Yikes!

Today was arm day and went soooo much better! I actually enjoyed the exercises. We did abs as well. Andrew ( my trainer) says that to focus on one area per gym day but always do abs because the core is so important. Thats ok with me...the ab exercises feel pretty good and don't leave me immobile! ha

Ok, well stay tuned and find out how the next 18 months of this personal trainer goes! This should be an interesting ride..if nothing else amusing! Ha!